My Cat, the Tuna Tam-o-Shanter

O Hai! I can has blog post?

Let me introduce to to you our very own Kvetch is the New Blog lolcat.

That's Twinkie. When he is snoozing. On a chair. DURING DAYLIGHT HOURS. PLOTTING MY DOOM.

What does he do at night? Oh, the usual. You know, become a 15-pound, tuna-scented tam-o-shanter. Yes. This involves first stomping around in circles on Queen Dweeb's cheek. Then purring loudly whilst doing the high step. On HER HEAD. Then chattering away with said TOOONA BREATH. Preferrably about one centimeter from her olfactory glands.

Have you had the pleasure of HOT TOOONA BREATH at 2 AM? Let me tell you. Is a pleasure.

After the chirping, circling and high stepping is complete, the settling in occurs. A nice, hot 15 pound dead weight, reeking of the fetid sea, wrapped comfortably around one's skull.

This too can be yours each night.

Oh, and don't dare suggest that he get locked out of the room. He RIPS THE CARPET completely up, crying piteously the entire time. When that is a FAIL, he shakes the door with his mighty LARD.

Needless to say, sleep is at a premium here.

Can someone find me a chipmunk to toss to him please?

On Stinky Beds, and Getting What You Wish For

This post was initially written Sunday evening.  I didn't finish it then, for reasons which will be explained later.  I thought about deleting it, but I kind of like it.  So you get it anyway:

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I have a couple of hours until the Redskins game, and I'm bored.  I'm watching another football game, but it's 8-7 in the third quarter.  You know how most people can't stand baseball because nothing happens?  Well, this is one of those games.  And I don't really care about either team.  So I thought, maybe I'll blog!  I haven't blogged in a while!  Blog is a funny word!

But, something's wrong.  I can't come up with anything significant enough to kvetch about.  I went through all my old standards- people suck, drivers suck, your mom sucks- but nothing doing.  So I was about to give up, and just watch football (men everywhere are saying YES!  Watching football is GREAT!- and normally, I'd agree with them), but then I thought of something!  Here's my big kvetch!:

My bed stinks!

Really, what's worse than a stinky bed?  You want to be all cozy and warm, and instead your olfactory system revolts.  The cozy has been superseded by narsty.  You get used to it and finally fall asleep, but then a weird dream shakes you awake.  Suddenly, on top of the Sarah-Palin-as-Treasury-Secretary nightmare you were just having, your nose crinkles with the return of the narsty.  Not fun.

So why is our bed stinky, you ask?  Did someone have an "accident"?  Did I yak during the aformentioned Palin-mare?  Did someone "move my cheese" into the bedroom, and forget about it?  (As an aside, isn't that the most asinine name for a book?  "Who Moved My Cheese?  Really?  And why did my mom think that I'd like it as a Christmas gift?)  

No, yesterday we bought a "memory-foam" mattress topper, in hopes of relieving my not-serious-but-highly-annoying back pain.  Though excited by the newfound squishiness of the bed, we were not expecting the septum-eroding odor of plastic that came with it.  Fortunately, it was warm enough to leave the windows open, to let it air out.  It was a smelly night, but I did sleep pretty well.  So the stink remains on our old crappy mattress, like a mountain guru- wise and mighty atop the highest peak, but with a notable stench.    

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So that's about where I finished my post.  I was about to edit, when my cell phone rang.  My good friend who lives nearby was in my driveway- with a flat tire.  He had been returning to his home from our mutual favorite pizza place when he hit a curb.  Fortunately, we were close, so he and his wife came over.  YAY!  Boredom averted!  We were sorry that they had a flat tire, but they have free roadside assistance, so why don't they just hang out and watch the Redskins game with us?  Great!  Uhhh.... wait.  Oh, shit.  He's a Dallas fan.  

We're good people, though.  We accept our differences, and appreciate them, and watched the game respectfully.  We even gave him a beer- with a Redskins coozie.  Take that!

I'll say it.

Victory!

For the first time in a long time, I am (even cautiously) optimistic about our nation's future. Now we all have to support our new president elect, and make sure that he (and ourselves as a nation) deliver on the promise that we have. It'll be a hard road for the near future, but can we get there?

Yes we can.

Now everyone chill out, be nice to your McCain-supporting neighbors, mend some fences, and have some fun. Because starting soon, we've all got work to do.