Douchebags Save Metro from Crazy Pregnant Lady

As a full-time Metro rider, I often suppress my fury at the issues Metro faces and/or creates. I feel as if I spend lots of time on Metro platforms and on bus stops trying to suppress impatience and helpless anger at the way Metro is run. What helps me get through it is watching the people who ride the Metro. It keeps me from going completely crazy on the Metro and from rushing the driver's seat and driving the train myself. I could even do it without texting or having my friends hang out in the driver's seat with me (oh, Metro).

So last night around 9:30pm, I am riding the red line from Silver Spring. I finally got on a train, after the message boards were broken and there was "track maintenance" at Medical Center, 15 stops away, so I had been waiting for a while. There was a dearth of entertaining people on the train. No random person preaching about Satan or telling the women they had demons and there wasn't even any singing. But then we hit the CUA stop and I hit the motherlode. A hoarde of douches alighted the Metro - law students from CUA. Now, I was once a law student at CUA. And it seems that nothing has changed - these were not only douches, but they were also typical DC guys (and CUA law students) who are maybe a 2 out of 10, but think they are an 11.

The median age of the whole group looked to be 23 and most looked nervous being on the train after dark. Most of the kids sat in the seats, clutching their Contracts text and smiled nervously. But the douche kings swaggered into the train and clustered right by the door. In case we weren't aware they were law students by their ostentatious carrying of a Torts book (which also means that they are first years, which hahaha, poser tools), they start talking loudly about how awesome they are at law school while simultaneously texting because they are busy and important.

Since they were standing in front of the doors, they had to pick up all of their books and man purses every time someone came on the Metro. One kid actually figured out that this was inconvenient and he moved - which promptly got his douche membership revoked. But the rest of them just kept sighing heavily and acting all put out when someone came on the Metro. Obviously, if the alighting passengers had been aware that they were FIRST YEAR LAW STUDENTS, they would have gone in a different way.

Destruction

Bad. So bad. I shudder when I think of it.

We have mice. But specifically, there is one ballsy mouse who comes out while we are watching television, says hello and then runs behind the television. We recently found the nest in our television cabinet, which was bad enough, but then it turns out the mouse was defiling the PS3 and we went on CODE RED HIGH ALERT. Ryoko, our dog, has been trying so hard, but she is an Epic Fail at catching it. But we needed to up the ante, because the PS3 might be in danger, people.

This morning, Ryoko runs to the television cabinet as soon as we come downstairs (as usual), to start her vigilant stalking (and CATCHING FAIL) of the disrespectful mouse. As Brian opens up the cabinet, he sees the mouse tail disappearing under the record player. He moves it, and the mouse comes running out - but I am alert and block her way with my foot (showing some amazing reflexes which haven't been apparent since I was 16 and caused me to check for spider bites that I may have gotten in a laboratory) and she runs into a bag of kindling, in which the mouse is trapped! My joy is fleeting because then I realize we have to kill the mouse. We simply cannot let this mouse live, IT WILL DESTROY THE TELEVISION.

Brian takes it to the kitchen to kill it.

"How are you going to kill it?"
"I'm going to chop it's head off."
"WHAT? Are you a serial killer? Who does that? OMG, GAH, GAH, GAH!"

I am in the dining room, being totally helpful, by screaming really loudly and making references to Silence of the Lambs.

"GAH!" from the kitchen
"WHAT?"
"The head is off and the mouse is STILL MOVING!"

Cue more screaming and flailing from me. Ryoko is so excited she can barely contain herself because she wants to carry the bloody corpse around the entire house and play with it. Which NO, just NONONONONO.

"Why did you chop it's head off? Why didn't you just knock it over the head with the skillet?"
"Oh. Hmm. . ." said the Serial Killer.

So the whole ride to the Metro, we were quiet and subdued, like we had just killed a hooker in Vegas and buried the body and eventually the madness will descend and more people will have to be killed to cover up the first murder and OH MY LORD. We shall not speak of the MOUSE DECAPITATION. Except when I do. A lot. To anyone who will listen. Whatever.