In which I complain, and make cheap homonymic jokes

A few days ago, my wife told me one of the most annoying things that we, as homeowners could hear. "Optimisticalcynical*," she said "There's a puddle on the floor, and a bulging in the ceiling above it." And it was not raining, which means that there's an internal water leak, which means it is time for a plumber.

*Note, not my real name

I am, to put it plainly, not Bob Vila. I'm not dumb, I am just not able to do much around the house without instructions. I am capable of basic home repair, but I am not screwing with the pipes. However, using our collective intelligence, my wife and I ascertained that the leak was probably coming from the vicinity of our upstairs shower/tub. So, we resigned ourselves to the use of the downstairs shower, with the bracing semi-nude runs from the cold, cold ground floor that such showers entail. So, we didn't make it worse.

We have a home warranty, which is basically gambling that more stuff will go wrong with the house each year than we would be willing to pay out of pocket. The upside of this is that I get relatively cool through potentially expensive projects like this. I know that I will just pay the deductible, which is usually a good deal, and has already been used to procure a brand-new garbage disposal. The deductible is a not-insignificant $75, but what can you do. It's good when they solve the problem.

So I call. The insurance refers me to one of their plumbers. Also fine. Smooth sailing. The very nice gentleman informs me that he would come out that day, from 12 until 5. I did happen to be at work, and needed to stay there until 8, but you know. So, I made an appointment with him in the next day (yesterday), in the narrowest window he would allow. This still happened to be 12-3, insuring that I would likely miss a full day of work waiting for this guy. But, at least a professional will come and fully sort out my problem, making the necessary repairs, right? Right? Anyone there?

So, I wait. I do some dishes, I do whatever work I can from home. I sit and watch Idiocracy, knowing that I cannot go anywhere or do anything except stay inside until this guy shows up. At 2:00, the plumber rings my doorbell. He comes in, looks at the ceiling, at the pipes (there's an access panel) and at the tub. Thus far, I have waited from the time I got up at 7:00 until this very moment. This visit is now the focus of my incredibly wasted day. This is the moment I have been waiting seven hours for. He tells me that the seal between my shower and the tub underneath it is a little loose, and that caused my leak. A very small leak. Yay. The moisture will dry out if I leave the access panel open for a few days, and that the leak can be fixed with caulk. Yay! A simple fix. "So, can you caulk it right now?"

The guy informs me that THEY...DON'T...DO...CAULK. I'm sorry...I was under the fucking impression that they were plumbers. And that caulk, or, as it is sometimes known, plumber's caulk, was a basic tool of plumbing. Used by plumbers. While they are plumbing things. Which is what plumbers do. So, he writes me up a bill, tells me to leave the panel open, and tells me to caulk the places where he showed me the water was coming in. He asks for the check for the deductible, He says "Thanks! this was my easiest call of the day!" and then he shakes my hand and leaves at approximately 2:10 pm. He was a nice guy, a pleasant guy, and unquestionably a competent one. However, is it wrong to hope that his next job involves some sort of sewage flood? Breaking it down...

This was a 10 minute visit. this means that I paid him $7.50 per minute to squint at my pipes, point out the problem, and then tell me I have to fix it myself. This also means that my waiting time, from the time I woke up, was approximately 42 times longer than the time that he was actually there. And, he did not actually do a basic plumbing repair that he could have done in 30 minutes. Was he out of caulk? I would have bought him caulk. And donuts. And perhaps a hooker. Why? Because I now know that caulk sucks.

I know this, because I then took it upon myself to caulk the offending tub. I had to go out to where people were selling caulk, then I had to pick the caulk I wanted. Knowing my propensity for messing up, I got a big tube, so I would have caulk left over if I needed it later.

Then, I went to caulk the tub. Caulk applies pretty easily, sort of like cake icing, except more viscous and gross. Also, you can't waterproof a bathroom with icing. I've tried. Delicious, yummy failure. So, I got down on my knees in the tub, and started working the caulk. I put the caulk into every crevice I could find. The caulk goes on white, but dries clear. This is a problem, as we will see later. So, needless to say, I squeezed the caulk in, and it went all over my hands. I managed to clean the tiles, so that the caulk only went where I wanted it to go. Sometimes, caulk can be hard to control. Since caulk gives off fumes, I did the tub in stages. Or, the caulk would have made me light headed. It's hard to deal with a lot of caulk at once. So finally, after a couple of hours (involving smoothing, correcting mistakes, and re-caulking) , I finished off all of the caulking. I am no Bob Vila, but I think I did okay working with caulk.

Then, I went to wash my hands. Oddly enough, there are some problems in trying to get a clear, waterproof substance off of your hands with soap and water. It was as if I had dipped my hands in a less delicious version of library paste. I went out to dinner with the Wife and one of her friends later that night, and the clear caulk was still peeling off parts of my fingertips. I looked as if I had had some horrible disease, or a really bad sunburn. Of course, I do now have soft skin on my fingers. Is it true that caulk and its byproducts are good for yor skin?

The thing that really pisses me off is not the fact that I basically gave a guy $75 to tell me where a leak was, and then leave without providing any actual plumbing services. It's not that this makes me feel like I was cheated out of a caulking job that they guy just didn't want to do, meaning that I am some sort of a caulk sucker. It's not that I had to burn an entire day off waiting for this guy to tell me where the leak is. It's not that I had to make the repairs myself, when I basically have this insurance to make sure that a professional does those sorts of jobs.

It's that I still can't use my upstairs shower yet. Why? The caulk I used needs a day to solidify and cure before it is waterproof. That's right, I have to wait 24 hours until my caulk is hard enough to use.


"Thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal!"