Monday, October 29, 2007

Massholes, Crackheads and Forties

OK, I am totally aware that sometimes I am an idiot driver. And I am aware that ocassionally, I may cross outside of a crosswalk. Therefore, I try not to throw too many stones at such offenses. Until my sister and I arrived in a Massachusetts city (not Boston) this weekend to visit my brother in college. And it was an entire city where the rules were completely different - it was like being in the jungle. I thought that drivers in the DC Metro Area were dumb (and they are), but at least they aren't usually aggressive and dumb. Unlike these drivers. There is apparently a term for MA drivers - Massholes. So it's official, it's not just me.

The first issue I noticed was that pedestrians jump out of every crevice imaginable to bolt across the street, usually to get to the liquor store on the other side of the street (never have I seen so many liquor stores). The best people, however, were the ones who sauntered, or dragged their leg, across the street. This would hold up traffic even more than it was already blocked by the paramedics and paddywagons that were double parked. Langley Park * 40 crackheads = this city.

As a sidenote, there was a parade on Friday night. Now, a parade usually entails a band, maybe some baton twirlers, a blocked off street or two. Not in this town. It was 25 people wearing Halloween masks riding their bicycles in the right lane. Since the right lane was often blocked (see above), and the bicyclists were less than skilled (and possibly had impaired vision from the face masks) and often covering the whole street, this sufficed to clog up traffice for a good half an hour. I was so hungry at this point, that when Eddie gave me yet another wrong turn, I said "I'm a fat kid and you are keeping me from food. I am going to rip your arm off, eat it and then beat you with it." I am awesome when I'm hungry. And so smart, S-M-R-T.

Second, the roads were a free-for-all. There was a lack of controlled intersections and drivers were, to put it charitably, raving lunatics. We came upon one intersection, that was five roads that converged into a mass of cars in all directions, honking and all thinking they have the right of way. Seen from above, it was a petrie dish of cars milling about in no discernable pattern, like a bacterial infection. Of course, there were no lights or stop signs. Of course, they tailgate, there is no use of turn signals, weave in and out of traffic and just do all things that are considered ridiculous.

This link lists all of the things that I saw in MA - it is ungrammatical, but you'll get the point (break for brake - shudder): http://www.masshole.com/driving.html. It's about Boston, but has a certain universality for MA drivers.

I did learn some new things, though. For one, some college students (who shall remain nameless) play a game called Edward Forty Hands. Basically one has forties duct taped to one's hands and can't get them untaped until the forties are finished. I have a new party game! Who's in?

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