"Full-Figured" can suck it.

So, I decided that thanks to my friends, the horomones, I needed a new bra fitting. Because, you know, they GREW. Like, overnight (ok, like 3 days, but still). Thanks to Sy-lene, the fabulously old-school lingerie shop up the street from me, I found my new size (also, please note, the sales clerks open the door to hand you new bras while your boobs are HANGING OUT. for all the land to view. 'tis awesome). My new size, you ask? Why, I'm now a 32 D.

Yes, I know. A DEEEEE cup. Which, in other words, means the TRIPLE ROW of hooks. Which I am incapable of connecting properly thus far. Also, the DEEEE cup? Means that you are relegated to looking at minimizing bras when you do a search. See, even the models look sad: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2890633?Category=&Search=True&SearchType=keywordsearch&keyword=32d+in+All+Categories&origin=searchresults

And note: the Grandma panties off to the right. Sadness. Ladies, please. I am 29. I want support, and perhaps some coverage, since my boobs seems to be enjoying making sneaky escapes from my beloved C cups. I do not want bras that flatten & cover EVERY INCH OF SKIN ON MY TORSO.

So, with this in mind, I set out for the land of milk and honey, also known as Tyson's Corner. Where, I thought, perhaps I might have some luck finding DEEE cups on sale. Nordstroms did not let me down in person, though the website was frightening. I found myself ONE bra. In black. With matching underpantses, in a flattering "shorty" style. Bolstered by my success, I ventured into the inner circle of hell known as "tyson's corner 1 on a Sunday". Fighting my way through masses of window shoppers, stroller-pushing soccer moms & teeny boppers, I ventured down to Victoria's Secret. Where, I thought, perhaps, they would have my size. I asked a clerk about DEEE cups, and she said they did have them. At least, she thought they did. Maybe? So I wandered aimlessly around, checking racks & drawers. No DEEE cups in a 32. I asked a girl who looked as if she' never needed a bra in her life. Her eyes widened, and she inquired if perhaps I could use a 34 C instead? Because, they're like the same? Like right?

NO, they are not, little miss. CEEE cups cause the "divide & conquer", as I explained-where the bra cuts the boob down the middle, and one half spills over in a hideous, tacky, X-rated mess. She replied that really, since I was like, FULL FIGURED, they do not carry my size really.

Um. Full Figured? DUDE. My rack is glorious. But not FULL FIGURED, thanks much. 32 is the SMALLEST band size you can find in a store. Also, WHY WOULDN'T a store devoted ENTIRELY to lingerie not stock the sizes that need the bra MOST? Isn't that illegal? Or perhaps just bad marketing?

Defeated, I went to H&M. Which was just plain retarded. Because the Ikea of clothing does not like boobs, apparently. At this point, clutching my ONE BRA to my chest, I was about ready to admit defeat. But a little voice in my head reminded me that Needless Markup never lets me down. In my darkest moments, it festoons me with festive jackets, chewbacca boots, and yes, expensive lingerie.

Renewed, I dashed back to the trusty Aztek, and sped over to Neiman's. And then scoured the sale rack for like an HOUR, because, holy gazongas, batman, are bras ever expensive.

And found ONE bra in my size. In pale blue. With matching "shortys" again, because dammit, I will not spend hundreds of dollars on bras if I can't have matching undies.

Total time spent on bra excursion 3: 3 hours, 30 minutes. Total bras acquired: 2.

Total money spent on bras & "shortys" this weekend: $529.94 (including a full price set from Nordstrom's that I will be returning).

Yeah, my big rack can suck it. That's like half my rent. FOR FOUNDATION GARMENTS. Awesome.