Thursday, July 3, 2008

Mini-kvetches

I have to agree with the Marshall. Normally, I would have let a massive rager fly, but nothing annoys me at the moment. It's odd, because I do alot of my best humor-induced quipping at the office, but by the time I muster the wherewithal to write about anything good, the rage passes from me. But some of the funniest stuff I know of does occur at my office.

Take, for example, my coworker, a Croatian-born former Swede, who worships at the Altar of Ronald Reagan and has been given the improbable nickname "el chupacabra". The same person who once asked me about the congratulatory gesture or greeting where two people hit their fists together. "Optimisticalcynical, that's called 'fisting each other,' right?" Things like that break up my everyday boredom at work. I suppose I tell myself that I will blog about stuff like that, to entertain the masses, but I never get around to it. I will, in the future, try to get more of a wild hair up my ass about this stuff, 'cause it's generally pretty fun.

Anyway, in the spirit of mini-kvetching, here is a brief list of things that piss me off:

1. The fact that I have a fairly technologically advanced, double-alarm alarm clock, where one, and only one of the alarms usually fails to go off. And, as a special bonus bit o' fun, the alarm that will fail to work changes on a nearly daily basis.

2. The "Grocery Shrink Ray" whereupon manufacturers, in an effort to cut costs, shrink the amount of stuff in their products, as well as their packaging subtly, in the hopes that we, the idiot consumer, won't notice that they are charging the same for 10 oz of cereal that they used to charge for 12 oz.

3. That Paris Hilton and Tila Tequila haven't started to hang out. I say this because it is my theory that the combination of their incredibly high levels of vapidity, fame-seeking, undeserving attention, etc. would create a Useless Celebrity Singularity, sucking them both into oblivion, and eliminating the need future seasons of shitty reality TV. And maybe, just maybe, Tiffany from I Love New York and the Pussycat Dolls could be caught in the subsequent explosion of the Useless Celebrity Singularity. And then be eaten by wolves.

4. I know it's the summer, but is it too much to ask to have one scripted tv show worth watching? Please?

5. The people next to my house who do not perform any maintenance on their home, letting their grass grow so tall that the city has to be called in to cut it. If that tall grass becomes a hiding place for snakes, I am going to lose my shit. I hate snakes with a fervor that could be called Indiana Jones-esque.

6. The fact that (one of) my bosses, in charge of assigining me work, has still not told me whether I will need to come in on the weekend. Not so much with my boss, but the fact that the people who apparently need my help so urgently cannot be bothered to actually give my boss a yes or no answer. And they will likely make up their minds after I, and all of the other potential workers, have left for the day (and weekend). They will then become angry, and wonder why no one came in to help them even though they emailed us, and "why weren't their blackberries turned on?" Because we don't have them. Please stop assuming that we do. In any case, aswers will come too late for anything useful to be done about them. I suppose that bueraucratic incompetence knows no time or place. It can readily shoot itself in the foot at any time.

7. The woman who sat behind me on the Metro today. You know what you did.

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