Don't Go Brakin' My Heart (or Kneecaps)

So, the other day, Queen Dweeb is cruising home from work, down Swinks Mill Road, which is windy, and rather steep, when over the cheerful tones of "Tainted Love" (yes, braking in time to the beat, don't you do that? you KNOW you do, just a little). Puzzled. Queen Dweeb opts to turn down the tunage, and tenatively applies pressure to the brakes.

Well, that can't be good.

Thoughtfully pondering the last time she put brakes in her trusty Aztek. Why, that would be NEVER. Not in SEVENTY-FIVE THOUSAND MILES. Say, that REALLY can't be good. Pulling up to 495, Queen Dweeb decides discretion is the better part of valor, and head back towards her dealership, into traffic.

Arriving at the Pontiac dealership , she informs them that it appears that her rotors might be a bit on the worn side, and perhaps MAH BRAKES. THEY NEEDS SOME HELPS NOW.

Leaving the big orange beast behind, the real fun begins over at Enterprise. A rental vehicle to get me to and fro, you see. And lo, they are short on cars, and Queen Dweeb is long of leg, and short of torso, which makes picking a car a wee bit challenging. So, armed with this knowledge, the order is given to the trusty squires of the short term motorcar: "HELLO. MAH CAR IS IN TEH SHOP WITH TEH ROTORS OF DOOM. I NEED A MOTORCAR STAT. AND PLEASE MAKE IT CHEAP!"

Yes, that's right. The only directive given: CHEAP. Queen Dweeb would be rockin' the Sub Compact.

The trusty squires ushered Queen Dweeb to her new chariot for the next 24 hours. A fabulous, albeit slightly fragrant Chevy Cobalt. Promptly christened "Li'l Junky" for its lack of the only feature Queen Dweeb requires in a car: power seats. You see, Queen Dweeb, being long of leg, and short of torso, cannot see over the steering wheel of most vehicles unless the seat is jacked up to nosebleed height. Sadly, Li'l Junky did not share Queen Dweeb's vision (you know, the one of being able to SEE THE ACTUAL ROAD), and had one option, which was to pull the seat forward. Which meant driving with the right knee literally jammed into the steering wheel. Awesome. Oh, and let's not forget the headrest. For some reason, Li'l Junky's headrest had an odd bulge that protruded at just the right height against the back of Queen Dweeb's head, forcing it ever so slightly forward, eliminating what minimal ability she had left to see over the steering wheel.

So picture this: Queen Dweeb basically looked like a 10 year old kid crossed with a 90 year old lady trying to drive a car, but with her knees jammed up against the wheel for apparently she is a daddy long legs trapped in the body of a 30 year old woman. Now with extra bruising on the kneecaps for your viewing pleasure! Fabulous.

And all this can be yours for the low price of just $36 a day!

And MAH BRAKES? Yes, it was the rotors. Nothing like a surprise $386 bill to make your month, no?