God help me, I miss real meetings.

For background information, I work in what is a very large company, with 6 offices, three within the United States, and three without. However, most of the business of the office is run out of the home office, in the home city (there are two offices here a few blocks apart), at which I work, or the largest satellite office (In New York.) And this is generally an okay arrangement. I function well with only minimal supervision. However, from time to time, meetings need to be held. And when I get assigned to a new case, more meetings need to be held. And this is where my working world turns into a molten cauldron of scalding hot suck.

It used to be that meetings were held in the big office, in the home office. This was fine by me, it's where I work anyway. Most cases tended to be run out of the big office, which is the largest one, and has the most people. And, since most people were in the large offices, if someone from NYC needed to have a meeting, they would take the train in for the day, and we'd have nice, face to face meeting. But, somewhere along the line, it was decided that having meetings in person was counterproductive.

And this decree was not only for interoffice meetings, but meetings in general. No longer do I need to actually speak with the supervising attorney on my case. No, much like The Great And Powerful OZ (updated for the information age), the man (or woman) gets to stay behind the curtain, and do all meetings by teleconference. Or email, if they're really uninclined to human contact. And telephone meetings suck worse than the unholy offspring of Paris Hilton and a Dirt devil. Not a classy vacuum, like a Dyson. For that, you probably get something from your better class of porn star.

Why do telephone meetings suck? Let me count the ways:

1. There is no human contact - On the surface, this is almost a positive. Safe in my hidey-hole, I do not have to see or interact with new people. I therefore don't have to comb my hair, appear interested, or even stay awake. Which can be hard. But no one else can see you, either. There is a complete lack of social cues, which leads us to...

2. Telephone Meetings are unclear, and last forever - The lack of any social cues lead to the inescapable fact that you cannot tell what the people that you work with are thinking through visual cues. Which in turn, means that you don't know when you are losing your audience. The only recourse that you can get is to occasionally bleat out "does anyone have any questions" which is greeted with the same sort of unenthusiastic, vaguely embarrassed mumbled "no" that you get in seventh grade, when your Gym teacher asks the health class if anyone has any more questions about the testicles. So, you get so bored, that you don't ask questions, because that will only prolong the meeting. Which, according to my personal calculations, was still as subjectively long as it would take to have my appendix removed via sharpened wooden spoon, without anasthetic. Actual time: 2 and 1/2 hours, or about as long as it would take to watch "The English Patient."

Because no one can see you getting bored, no one feels the need to move things along. This leads to making meetings much longer than they need to be. And this makes long teleconference meetings unbearably long; which in turn makes them about as useful as an unhousebroken Goldendoodle puppy. And, like an unhousebroken Goldendoodle puppy...

3. I had to pee - It was shortly after the meeting began that I realized I had made the tactical error of caffeinating myself in liquid form. Why, oh why didn't I buy those caffeine pills from the one-eyed guy at the bus station? Trucker's Choice sounded like a fine brand... But no. I had to do it the old fashioned way. And so, my back teeth were floating.

Anyway, when in bodily need of relief, you can't just leave these meetings. This is because some vital piece of information may be imparted somewhere, and you'd miss it. And, unlike a real meeting, in a real office, with real people who aren't all in another building (or, you know, state), you can't just excuse yourself quietly, tap the next person, and say "what did I miss". No, you have to wait for the meeting to be over. Unlike an unhousebroken Goldendoodle puppy, I'll get in trouble for relieving myself on the carpet. Plus, it's my desk, so I'd be sitting in my own pee. Which I hate. So I held it. For the approximate length of Starship Troopers (129 minutes. Thank you, IMDB). I was afraid of going out like Tycho Brahe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyco_Brahe#Death), which would have not only been highly embarrassing, but led to a stinky, stinky funeral. But, I guess, since I wasn't going to actually see anyone, I could have worn whatever I wanted, including adult diapers. Which leads me to the final point...

4. Meetings encourage people to dress properly, and yet with telephone meetings, it is so NOT required - And here we have a final point. I am required to wear business casual clothing at work. Which is fine. But these meetings are basically like telecommuting. If I wore adult diapers, a Beavis and butthead T-shirt, and a Mexican Luchadero Mask, no one at any of these meetings would know. The only reason I have to dress up at all is the fact that other people may see me outside of my file room. Which they only do when I leave to use the bathroom, or go get food or beverages, which also leads back to the bathroom. Within the file room, as long as my Shame is covered, I don't think my coworkers would have any issues.

This leads into a more general kvetch. Why do I have to dress up at all, if no one will ever see me? In the days of Face-to-face meetings, this was actually important. The partners at my office wear suits and ties most days. You want to dress up (at least a little), so that you don't look like a total schlemiel. There at least used to be a fear that behind each of those partners was a tiny gaggle of fashion critics,
(fashiionably dressed as neurtal-toned angels and devils) hanging out on a partner's shoulder, who would term you unfabulous and unprofessional, and sentence you to a queer-eye-for-the-lawyer-guy forced makeover. Wherein all of my normal pants would be replaced by pinstripes, and I would have to permanently dress like an '80s stockbroker. Which I would, but it's really expensive. I do like the suspenders, though.

But now, due to the fact that no one will ever, ever, see me, I just have to dress up enough as to not offend the office dress code. Which is ridiculous. No one will ever see me. Why, therefore, should I not be freed from the tyranny of pants? Seriously, pants are fine, but it's hot up in this piece. Can't I wear shorts and sandals? Maybe a Tuxedo T-shirt, just to preserve the image of formality? It's not like my bosses would ever know.