Saturday, August 9, 2008

A Synergy of Suck: Wake Up and Smell the Gross Roast

We all know Queen Dweeb here loves her some coffee. We also know Queen Dweeb loves her a bargain. Naturally, we'd love to think these two go hand-in-hand. Sadly, they don't. When java is marked down, it's for a reason. TRUST ME.

Anyhow, Amazon often has beans on sale, and once in blue moon, they are drinkable, or even good. So Queen Dweeb merrily orders them. Especially when she has a coupon. For lo, the bargains, they are irresistable to her. Giant marks coffee down to half off for no one else in all the land would consider drinking it? SOLD.

Of course, this leads to many mornings of swearing at the coffee maker for producing less than stellar results. Also known as "swill." Which sends our faithful heroine to Caribou, Starbucks, or her favorite online Hawaiian retailer, Lion Coffee for the delicious Kona goodness that can be found for some actual cash.

Which leads us to the coffee cabinet. (Oh yes, did we mention? There is an ENTIRE CABINET devoted to coffee in Queen Dweeb's kitchen.) If you dare open it, you'll find about eleventy-twelve unfinished bags of coffee. Coffee so foul that no human could dare force it down their gullet. Queen Dweeb had made valiant efforts to finish these bags and cans of coffee, but had lost interest when new coffees had arrived, you see. For perhaps, just perhaps, Amazon had not let her down, and the coffee of cheapness was FULL OF DELICIOUSNESS instead of SUCK this time. Of course, one cup into the next bad, our naive little heroine realized she had been duped yet again by internet tards rating coffee as "highly drinkable" and "I wouldn't throw this away" and "maybe it doesn't suck THAT bad" and had to suffer through yet another bag o' suck.

So, casting an appraising eye on the eleventy-twelve bags o' suck, and the end bags of a few french roasts, and a nearly empty ginormous can of Alterra (Oh, the milquetoastery), and idea was formed. A GENIOUS idea. If all of the bags of suck are combined with the french roast, GOOD COFFEE will be produced, right?

So, in a frenzy, Queen Dweeb furiously begins pouring the eleventy-twelve bags of suck into the near empty can of milquetoastery, adding in the french roast dregs, grinding up the dregs of some deliciousness for good measure. And seals the can. And then THROTTLES THE CAN INTO SUBMISSION. DAMMIT. QUEEN DWEEB WILL MAKE YOU TASTE GOOD.

Pleased with her work, Queen Dweeb sets up her coffee maker for the next morning, awaiting the fruits of her labor.

AND IT WAS GROSS.

GROSS ROAST.

Hints of deceny swirled in her mouth, only to be overpowered by the blandness from milquetoastery and bags of suck.

Confirmed by all who have had it, combining the bags of suck have only created a better, stronger, faster version of bad coffee. It's like the bionic coffee. Only craptacular.

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