Oh, how I love the sound of my own voice

We all know that Queen Dweeb lacks the "indoor voice." Hell, Queen Dweeb should likely just type her own voice out in caps lock a la Owen Meany style, for lo, it is that loud, and that distinctive. Or so she is told.

So it came as a bit of a shock the weekend before last when she found herself LOSING her voice. Her rich, expressive voice. How was she to festoon the world at large with expletives without it? How could she properly express her rage? A shaken fist lacks strength without the "HOODLUM PUNK KIDS" hurled in conjuction with it, you see...

By Monday, her voice a mere shred of its former glory, our faithful heroine arrived at work. Where they have an on-staff doctor (oh yes they do. seriously). And she tried CALLING the doctor. Have YOU tried calling someone with no voice? Let me tell you, it's not pleasant. After a halting, croaking attempt at a conversation, they just told me to get down there at 11. Because clearly, whoever I was, I was ill.

Did Queen Dweeb also mention she picked this weekend to fight with the boy? For yes, the new boy she had been dating had dared to irritate her while she fell ill. WITH NO VOICE. So hoarsely, much flailing and gesturing occurred. And crying, because, you know, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER. HERE, HAVE SOME CRAZIES WITH YOUR SCREECHY LACK OF EXPLANATIONS AND FLAILAGE. NOW I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY WHY YOU ARE UPSET WITH ME.

Ahem. Yes.

So, Queen Dweeb is ushered off to the doctor, who at first tells her, Laryngitis, nothing we can do, it's a virus. But the lady doth protest, for a simple virus could never destroy the VOCAL CHORDS OF STEEL. Pointing at the throat, and then the sinuses and croaking "infection. ow," the point is made that a sinus infection might be in play, check the throat for drainage of repugnant green festerage. Of which there is PLENTY TO GO AROUND, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?

Whoa nelly, here's some antibiotics for you. Stat.

Sent merrily along on her way, Queen Dweeb "talks" to everyone in her path, wearing out her voice, making no sense, and flailing the entire time, for what she lacks in volume she'll make up for in AIRPLANE ARMS.

And the fun begins for our trusty heroine as we go to the pharmacy to obtain our prescription, and they ask for a phone number, become annoyed when the voice is not there to provide one. Then, the insurance is incorrect, from the prior job, and the lack of voice cannot explain quickly enough, irritating everyone in line (WHO CAN ALL HEAR THERE IS A LACK OF VOICE GOING ON HERE) and the pharmacist. Then, while stopping in the Giant to buy groceries, the get pissy that there is not chatting with them (AFTER TRYING TO TELL THEM NO VOICE) and screw up an item so refunding must occur, ONLY THEY MAKE QUEEN DWEEB EXPLAIN TO MANAGER. WITH NO VOICE. All in the space of 15 minutes.

So shout out to you, Giant on Arlington Road, for making Queen Dweeb get into her car and cry.

And thank you to the old man who stopped me in the parking lot to apologize on the behalf of everyone and tell me that the day would get better.

He was a little off, because it took 48 hours for THE VOICE to return and there was a panic attack because there was no talking and it was like sitting still in school and Queen Dweeb doesn't do that so well.

Yeah. Sort of like that school assignment we fund of my brother's where he had to write "I will sit quietly and listen." over and over again. Apparently in runs in the family...